The hardest thing about being a mom...

Being a mom is hard work.

You have to be a superwoman multitasker who can exist while sleep deprived, food deprived and in all seriousness, sanity deprived. No one tells you this because a. You won't believe them, if they did. and b. The human race would fall into extinction. No, moms don't share those kinds of stories (birth stories, of course, are a whole other ball of wax, they're like some right of passage or something. EVERYONE shares the gory details fo their labors, and typically its when you're in own 9th month and therefore too far gone to change your mind. What is WITH that?).

But I'm not going to be like that. I feel there is healing in sharing so here is a tip for all you future moms. Get your babies declawed in the hospital. You read right. Declawed. Like they do to kittens. At least, like they did before animal rights activists stepped in. I mean, really, it can't be worse than circumscision, can it?

Okay, in all seriousness, cutting a newborn's nails is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. Even harder then childbirth. Maybe that's an exaggeration. Maybe not, though, because there is this crazy phenomena that I'd like to call "leaving the hospital memory loss" where the second you roll out those doors in that silly wheelchair with your new bundle, you forget what it felt like to be in labor. Its like the nurses perform some sort of magical memory charm as you are relased (yeah, that was a Harry Potter reference). Just last weekend, I was walking with my husband, whining about rolling my ankle when stepping off a curb (so graceful) and how much it STILL hurt days later and I actually said "I haven't hurt myself like this in years..."

Seriously. I said that. The scar from where they sliced me open and yanked out my nearly 9 lb son is still a brutal red slash- and I'm moaning about a twisted ankle! But, there you have it. A memory charm, I am convinced of it.

ANYWAYS, waaay off topic... Nail trimming is a terrifying experience. I put it off as long as I could before Jonah started to look like he had gotten into a fight a with a feral street cat (and lost, bad). Then, I had to intervene, before DCFS shows up on my porch. NOTE: In case you were wondering, he long ago outgrew all his little mitten-sleepers and socks won't stay on his feet, let alone his hands...

I tried to convince my husband to do it. I mean, I feed him 12 times a day, the least he could do is trim his nails, for crying out loud (btw, Mike is an incredible dad and helps all the time... I might be exaggerating a tad for the sake of the story)! But, Mike gives up after about 20 seconds (That part isn't an exaggeration), which is about as long as his short fuse and big man hands can stand it.

So that leaves me. Have you felt a baby's nails? All that is protecting their poor, unblemished fingertips is this tissue paper thin layer of nail. And they give you these crazy sharp nail trimmers with an obonoxious magnifying glass attached to them (not at all helpful) and you're expected to NOT cut your baby? They (the super mommies on Babycenter.com) tell you to trim while your baby sleeps. But honestly, once Jonah is out, no one, and I mean NO ONE is allowed to touch him. Make all the noise you want, but don't you dare come near him and wake him up! Its the only chance I may have all day to pee and eat a granola bar! And then they say "bite his nails". First of all, that seems a little icky. He sticks his hands in his own poop on a regular occasion. I mean, yeah, that's probably my fault, but c'mon! Second of all, I used to bite my nails for years, and I remember the bloody hangnails that resulted from my chewing. THAT can't be good, either.

So all I've been able to comprimise with is to trim after he's in his post-giant feeding, drunk on warm milk-food coma (post bathtime, for a super drowsy baby!). I tried it last night, and I was successfully able to trim one hand and the thumb off his other hand before he caught on. Better then nothing I suppose, but he still has 4 sharp fingers left and for some reason, they seem to grow in a pointy shape for extra clawing capabilities. I COULD hold him down like they do at the pediatrician, I suppose and just get it over with... but, I'm not quite at that point yet. The whole giving-an-unsuspecting-happy-baby-a-massively-painful-shot process still makes me cry everytime, so I'd prefer to keep it within the confines of the doctor's office.

Thus, Jonah is currently sound asleep in his swing this morning with weapons attached to his tiny chubby fingers, wolverine fashion.

So there you have it, kids. My dillema. Input is, of course, welcome.

Happy Mom's day, everyone!

Further proof, as if you needed any, that I am a dork.

http://http//www.fanfiction.net/community/Good_Completed_Twilight_Fiction/57325/

So I said in my previous entry that I haven't been able to read, and that's not entirely truthful, I haven't been able to read books...

Online fanfiction is another story. I discovered that late night feedings are condusive to internet searching since it only takes one hand to scroll. Really, there isn't much else to do at 12am, 2am and 4 am and I've seen enough shamwow infomercials to last a lifetime. So there. My secret is out. I read fanfiction. Not only do I read it, I read it all the time. Seriously, its addicting! Okay, so some stories are much higher quality then others. Some are just plain smut- though I have learned through trial and error to typically avoid the "M" for mature setting- PG 13 all the way for my little modest heart. Not to mention, its pretty disconcerting to read something over the top, only to find out it was written by a 14 year-old (for real, this happened to me. It was probably the most vulgar thing I've EVER read and when I checked her profile, it was all tennis practice and homework troubles! Talk about embarassing...)

Anyways, I've kind of got it down to a science. Thus far, I've traversed into the Twilight and Harry Potter fanfiction universe. (surprised? I think not.) When reading Twilight, I tend to favor AH, AU, T rating, Canon Pairings, Completed fic. Translated into non-dorky language, that is All-human, alternate universe, teen rating, typical romantically involved couples (learned this one after reading one too many Edward/Jasper, Carlisle/Bella pairings. I mean, really, let's not be ridiculous. Bella would NEVER stomp on Esme that way!), and completed stories (nothing worse the reading something that never was completed by the author. Probably because they got grounded or something. Yeah, I said it. ) Truelly, I hate to read anything that messes with the original story line, so I nix the vampires, which basically makes the stories a typical chic flic, only, online. Again, not surprising when you consider who we're talking about here. You all know my slight obsession with chic flic. I heart happy endings and pink book covers.

As far as the Harry Potter fanfic goes, I am much less open. I read only Post-DH (Deathly Hallows, so we're typically talking Harry/Ginny epilogue) or James and Lilly stories. Only the stuff my girl, JK Rowling, never touched on. Nothing sacred, of course.

And there's some good stuff out there! I doubt any of you are nerdy enough to be interested, but if you are, let me know and I'll make some recommendations. I have hours of sorting through the crazy, out of control world that is fanfiction, behind me!

I know what you are probably thinking, and I have yet to be tempted to write my own... though if I ever make that journey, you will all be first in line to know. It takes much less time to read them to write at this point and time is precious!

Plus, it is one thing to read fanfic, its an entirely other thing to actually write it... a whole 'nother level of "odd duck" and I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet.

PS I'm not THAT bad. My uber cool, ultra intelligent younger PhD program little brother was into warcraft a while back and confessed to me that one night, while playing online, his "partner" had to logg off because "his mom was calling him" (for real) and rather then feeling stupid for playing with an a little guy, he was actually dissapointed because he was losing a good partner!

PPS Don't tell Jonah what a total nerd his mom is. I already have Mike rolling his eyes at me. Although, he's not much better HE watches fishing videos online. Poor, poor Jonah...

She's back!

Well, well, well... look who's back!

Okay, I know. Its been a ridiculously long time, but I have a reasonable excuse and I promise to give my most sincere effort to not let this long of a lag in blog entries happen ever again...

That being said, I would like my first effort in returning to the wonderful world of blogging to be an ode to my last entry, done 8 weeks prior to Jonah's birth (which will be referred to from this point on as PJ, as in "pre-Jonah". For obvious reasons, we won't use "before-Jonah".) (if it isn't obvious, that's just fine. forget I mentioned it.) This was actually inspired by Jess- whose little guy was born a month P-J, and who's been a late night life saver on my facebook messanger a time or two. Thanks, Jess.

Things I can't do anymore (8 weeks after Jonah):

1. Go to the bathroom with the door closed. Please, oh please don't let my neighbors ever see me pee!
2. Take a shower longer then 7 and a half minutes (for real, I think that's my personal best)
3. Button my old jeans... which is odd because...
4. Eat three, make that two square meals a day. I subsist on cheese-its and "dark chocolate and nuts trail mix" bars by Nature Valley.
5. Watch an entire episode of anything except cooking shows. For some reason my son LOVES cooking shows. Lydia's Italy is his current fav. He loves the butter and carbs, just like his momma.
6. Wash my hands enough. I mean it, be careful when you shake my hands, you have no idea if I had the chance to soap up after a diaper change! And chances are, I have no idea either.
7. Get grossed out from poop. Honestly, I hardly even notice and there's been some real doosies!
8. Talk in a normally-pitched voice. Its getting higher and higher every day. I can't help it! He smiles more the squeakier I go!
9. Listen to obnoxiously loud, angry music in the car. Its all baby einstein travel tunes and lifehouse these days. Yes, Erin Hahn, music snob extroidinaire, listens to plinky motzart performed with annoying yet oddly comforting, whistles and xylaphones.
10. Remember to take care of myself. A big ol "Amen" to Jess' comment about brushing teeth. I'd add to that: shaving my legs, washing my make up off at the end of the day (if I even put it on), lotioning up, deoderant (I have some strategically placed all over, in case I notice I forgot. In fact, I have chewing gum all over, too... in case I forget to brush my teeth and lotion in the car, for when I forget that, too. That just leaves shaving, which, lets face it, was a lost cause P-J, anyways.)
11. Go right to sleep without checking "just one more time" that he's still breathing.
12. Carry a purse. That was a biggie for me, only because I used to LOVE handbags of all shapes and sizes. Now the only size is LARGE and it contains all Jonah parephenelia and my chapstick.
13. Look in to my son's smiling face and NOT see his father, or vice versa. And I love that.
14. Read a book! Seriously, did you ever think I would say that? I can kind of read, just its in very small stints and only when Jonah is asleep and Mike isn't around... I imagine I will work out something eventually. Harry Potter movie this summer and Twilight movie next fall... I'll need to reread and prep for those...
15. Remember what it was like to not be a mom and totally in love with my little boy... but that's okay.

At any rate, there are lots of things I can't do, but they seem very minimal in the grand Jonah-filled picture, if you want to know the truth. I live each day in a crazy, multitasking blur, but its essentially all done in order for me to be able to freeze time for just a bit and watch Jonah smile and coo for his mom. And that, readers, is completely worth all of it.