#nogreaterproof

Hi, my name is Erin and I have a phobia of making videos. I can be perfectly eloquent on the page or even in person, but you turn on a camera and I'm a beet-red, stuttering mess.

Therefore, when my church, NorthRock, started this whole #nogreaterproof campaign and asked us to share one minute of recorded testimony of God's work in our lives, I laughed it off. Mike got right to his. Let it be known my husband is not at all camera shy and is a fantastic speaker. I shared his video and called it good enough. Basically a "Ditto to what he said".

But Kyle Gray, a good friend and Pastor at NorthRock was relentless (for like five minutes). I told him I'd jump in the next time with a blog post and he called my bluff. So here we are. Things are about to get real, guys, so buckle up.

What has God done in my life? How has Jesus changed me? What is my life like as a believer in Christ?

This post would be easier if you wanted me to list the ways I haven't been changed, honestly. As a teen I was superficial. A perfectionist. A worrier. An obsessively FAIR person. Balance overwhelmed me. My parent's were split and I constantly felt the need to bridge the gap between them for my younger siblings' sake. In my mind, I imagine this circus seal juggling beach balls in the air for the thundering crowds— just keep them all floating and then smile wide. That was me. Over the years, my family and friends have commented how I suddenly stopped caring as much about being the smartest in school— that I suddenly quit being a brat and aged fourty years overnight. I was my grandmother's granddaughter, they said.

Except my grandmother was an alcoholic for years. I never knew that of course, but now I do.

My point is, I graduated high school a timid, depressed and dark-humored girl. I loved my family and friends desperately but there was nothing they could have done to stop my spiral. Friends, there is a point that is beyond reach for mere mortals. I burned with this kind of self hatred and fierce anger and hurt so far deep down inside underneath layers of fake smiles and baggy sweaters. Parent's worry about their children when they act out and scream for attention. I'm telling you, its much more worrisome when you have a child who hides their grief— internalizes it. I was on a road leading nowhere good, friends.

Then I met Jesus.

Fourteen years later and I'm still sorta timid on screen and that dark humor is still there, though I tend to channel it through my fictional characters. But I'm no longer depressed. I stopped trying to balance everything. I stopped taking responsibility for things outside of my control. I went to college and regained my childhood. I let Jesus be the dad I missed. I let Jesus quiet the voices in my mind that whispered I was doomed to be this way or that because of genetics or history repeating itself. I let Jesus create me anew and mold me into the young woman He knew I was capable of being. I let Jesus be my light. He pulled me out of the dark places in my mind and showed me the world He made for me. He gave me words and love and confidence and peace. So much peace.

Jesus isn't a fix all. I'm so far from perfect, you guys. Remember that post a week or so ago when I told you how I'm currently handling our family crisis with a generous helping of grace and F-bombs?

That's basically my motto for life. I suppose you could say, with Jesus, I've struck a new kind balance.

#NorthRock church is the best, guys. Seriously. I know many of you reading this live too far away to check us out, but if you happen to be in the neighborhood, NorthRock meets every Sunday at 9:30 and 11.